nitetime rants

Closing Time

I guess ME, this is ‘closing time’. As in, the closing-time song. Not entirely sure on what i’m doing right now. everything seems to be a long blur. Today was a good day i’d say. Not sure what exactly was good? But it wasn’t bad, so it must be good? Right? Hm… Well… what did I do today? I guess today was bad?? Considering the awful amount of pain that I am in. But I guess it was good.

Tomorrow I want to try to remember to exercise and stuff. I’ve been hitting 20k+ steps a day, but I feel like i’m able to fit exercise into my schedule.

On that note, some fun statistics to share.

• RHR: 65 BPM
• HRV: 47 ms

These are absolutely amazing!!! I’m doing so well!!! (lower bpm better, higher ms better!!)

I’m so glad that my body is actually going back into ‘healthy mode’?? Or.. I’m not sure how to describe it. But I need to train for many things again. Long distance bike rides, 4AM runs / walks, drinking green tea. This ALL has to come back. My body is telling me IT’S TIME.

Besides that, I need to stop drinking Coke. Instead of eating at all, I would just drink a Coke. Not good. Especially the sugar. I was doing good not eating sugar. Relapse, relapse. Just hope an eating disorder doesnt RELAPSE. lol. Would fucking suck if I started purging again or some shit.

But yeah, I agree Mr. Robot is amazing. Going to maybe buy a poster, or 3.

Besides that, I should do laundry tomorrow, and maybe clean my room (again). Because, I keep forgetting. At least I don’t forget to write it down?? Just have to build off another habit to actually read the note.

Besides that, the R1 is well, kinda sucky but also kinda cool. I like how I can talk to it, and I programmed it to be nice to me, and to treat me like a friend :).

Sometimes I just get so mad at myself I have to take it out on myself, but I SHALL NOT. I really really really really want to try not to. I just have this awful awful awful feeling that, im just going to get so overwhelmed with something, and take it out on myself without thinking.

But I don’t want to think about that right now. I just need to… well.. what do I need to do? Like… what is there to do? I mean, I know like.. studying or something. Or at least I think that’s what others want me to do. I don’t know, I guess I could perhaps create study stuff on here or something. Uhh… add me on remnote or something idk honestly. But yeah, if you wanna like study with me or something, please do let me know because I do need a “study buddy” as well, sometimes i’m just a child and can’t do anything unless someone does it with me. sucks.

The Soundcore a20 sleepbuds- I’ve used for a few days now, and well, it’s amazing. (Guess I should say (guess I should “type”) a few.. *nights) They actually last all night, which like, why shouldn’t they?? You know? I can listen to music to help me sleep. The music i’ve been listening to has primarily been designed to help with your brain. Various frequencies to change the state of the brain, for deeper focus, relaxation, etc. whatever. I don’t have a device (yet?) to monitor the actual brainwaves while i’m sleeping. (I’ve almost impulsed bought one several times). But i’ve seen a few papers on subliminal messages and the subconcious mind while sleeping. I do believe it helps me. It at least helps me sleep which, is a really huge bonus for me. Been listening to like, well let me just post it here actually:

You’ll see what I mean. Other than that, not sure what I should do. Like, i’m physically in pain and exhausted, but I know THAT i WIll not be able to sleep,, which fucking sucks. and well, I would take my medicine but I had a few drinks, which i’m working real hard to keep track of and not do anything bad. I could just jerk off, whatever. I just feel too physically in pain to do that. I guess I can just be an invalid and stare at the wall or something.

I know i’ll figure something out. I likely won’t do anything special. Just type away on the screen. Or, just close my eyes and pretend to fall asleep or something. I’m in too much pain to actually do anything, besides like typing. At least my neck is supported (I’m laying down on my bed). at least I think it’s supported? I don’t know. This whole like, posture thing and whatnot, i’ve been trying for a few years now. I really have been trying, it just fucking sucks that like, I don’t have anyone to talk to it about and well what’s the point if i’m just going to screw it up anyways because of my brain.

Speaking of brain: Remember to look into that brain injury or something I have vague memory of.

Not sure exactly, but maybe someone else knows

fuck. the only ones who know… are.. fuck me dude. alright then.

Well that’s fun. I have a lot of ideas, i’m pregenant with ideas. It’s just that, I can’t keep track of things. I can’t organize things. and when I try to actually organize things, I overcomplicate it, overthink the entire proccess, I just get too stressed, overwhelmed and I just get too frustrated so yeah. I can’t organize anything properly, like i’m not joking. The way I have things organized, seem like random to someone else. But if it works for me, then why change it. Others don’t like it, but it’s the only way that helps me, and works for me, and not a lot of people can understand that.

I always feel like i’m being watched. Sometimes I see things.

I don’t know, I shouldn’t, right? Actually this is fake, ignore me. hehe.

I do feel like a different person.

Well, I guess I can just continue to document things, create various tools and whatnot and post them here.

You know what, I do have an organization method, and it’s this.