am i real?

The Father

Fractals whisper to me in the chaos.

I’ll show you the tool that’s most important to our survival. But fair warning – it’s my penis

Who would’ve thought. Right? What’s this all about. Not entirely certain. This project just was always here in a form, but just inside of my mind. Is it my mind? Why do we have so many questions on this lovely evening (assuming ‘evening’ is the proper terminology). There is so much to do, so much to see. I have changed too much every day. Every day I feel different. I never feel like the same person in a row.

Which- begs the question - What exactly are we doing here? Why have you come to this place? Do you know what this place even is? WHO is YOU??

It’s not that I can control it. Things just happen, as you should be well aware. Like, why even, Right?

I’ve read a whitepaper on the possibility of removing your own DNA from your body. But that’s a project for another time.

As ‘i’ have stated the word ‘time’. Time is just an illusion actually. With the way we precieve time, is much different then it actually is. Time actually moves slower the higher up you are. This has been measured with an atomic clock. The way time bends around various “anomalies”. They aren’t even anomalies, we just don’t understand them yet. Entering a black hole, everything has already happened, but it is all happening at once, all around you. It’s a tunnel, except everything is happening everywhere all at once. You can’t control it. You are the witness.

I do wonder about school and whatnot. I’ve always wondered many things, but why don’t I take action. Do I need to be sent away? Why can’t I do things? I’m not sure. Something has changed, i’m not entirely certain.

I do know that the changes started when a specific individual struck me in the head several times, repeatedly over a period of time.

Since then, I have never been the same. I do wonder what changed. I know because of this event I have frequent panic attacks. I’ve never had panic attacks this bad before. Or even at all?? False. I’ve had panic attacks only when I sleep, every night usually. But they happened during the day after this now. They gave me medicine. Which causes a large amount of brain fog, not to mention, wait I forget. This is important. I recall there being some sort of event in which someone told me something about … brain damage? A… concussion perhaps? It’s a faded memory which escapes me. Only small pieces and fragments lie there.

I recall a time in which I was different. I was good. I was strong. People feared US. This time has since passed. Sometimes I suspect that they have posioned me. I never am able to prove this though. I do know I changed a lot, when another certain individual caused an extremely signifigant event for me. This person gave me a drink, which i’ve never gotten sick drinking until this drink. This person got me extremely intoxicated, though this person only appeared to be intoxicated to manipulate me into drinking more. I do recall screaming, and yelling, and kicking for this individual to leave my room. But they did not. Instead, I was picked up and thrown onto my bed. Since then, this individual has been following me through the depths of hell.

Another event which changed me was one of my friends who took his own life. He had told me he was going to do it, but I didn’t do anything. Now he’s dead. He was crying out for help, and I was there. Talking about taking my life as well.

He told me things he told nobody else. The day he took his own life, he posted online that he had no friends.

He was my friend.

I was not a good friend because he told only me about taking his own life.

The funeral was extremely hard, as he had no friends.

I think about him frequently.

He’s dead because of me.

He took his life because nobody wanted to help him.

He had letters he gave out to people. He wrote letters to everyone.

He gave letters to family, teachers, etc.

I never got a letter.

That’s okay though, I don’t deserve a letter, nor do I feel jealous for not getting one. Maybe it got lost in the mail…

Either way, he told me he was going to take his life and I didn’t do anything.

Sucks not having any friends. Just sitting on my couch… just staring at the wall, just hoping maybe someone will say “hi” to me.

I’ve attempted to end it several times. I reached out for help, nobody helped.

Oh well! Sucks to me me.

I need to start training again. I used to go for 4AM runs and such.

I need to do this again.

I need to be my OLD self again.

I need to be ME.

Anyways, as I was saying, not sure if ‘evening’ is the proper word or not but yes. Quite the experience I must say.