I'm a failure.

I’m a complete failure. All my IRL friends have blocked me. I have nobody. I can’t do fucking anything, I can’t think properly, I can’t remember to do anything, I can’t even do college properly. whawt athe actual fuck. I tried, I really did try. I got a job, went to a therapist, went to the doctor, got meds, went to therapy, I really did try :c

I just, can’t remember to do anything. I have to see a phsyciatrist but i keep forgetting. IDK if my meds or me is the issue here. I really wanna do good at school, I really do. I have a lot of thoughts but i just cant execute them properly. I just need someone with me, someone to hug me, to motivate me, to help me. I can’t do this alone. I want to succseed, I really do, i really really do. I just get nervous and fail. I can’t remember to do anything right. I’m a fucking failure. No friends good for nothing. I just want idk.

I just want a hug :c. i want someone to hug me like, really hug me. i want someone who will remind me to do my college work, someone to remind me to study, someone to remind me to eat :cCC someone to go to the gym with. :cccc

i have nobody. no friends. all my friends blocked me :c. i have no IRL friends :c. i sit alone all day :cccccc it sucks. it sucks. i feel paralyzed. my mind feels paralyzed. theres things i want to do, i just cant for some reason i dont know its really making me sad :c. my entire life might be fucked. i cant fucking do shit anymore. i feel like im a fucking failure cant do anything fucking idiot who cant even focus on something fucking simple or even remember to fucking eat. i have to torture myself maybe? i fucking hate this shit. i hate it. nobody fucking likes me. i dont deserve anything. i cant make any friends, nobody actually loves me or cares for me. i fucking hate it. i just want someone who can help me. like really help me to help me remember to do my school work :ccc. im a fucking child. i havent changed since middle school. i wanna go back to middle school. at least i had friends then, people who talked to me every day. i fucking hate it. i cant do anything right im so fucking sad. i really want to get better and do good, i just cant and i dont know why. i fucking cry thinking about why i cant be normal. nobody loves me. no wonder i try killing myself. i fucking tried, i really tried, i dont k now what else i can do. i need to do good in school. i used to be able to fucking do shit. whats the fucking issue here mother fucker. i need to stab myself i cant fucking shit shit shit shit shiht shit im a worthless piece of shit. i hate being watched. theyre watching me. theyre controlling me. FUCK. do i need to sedate myself?????????? fuck. fuck.f uck. i cant remember anything. i cant tell whats real. i think aim having another episdoe. fuck fuck fuck. fucking hospital bills. fuck fuck fuck. i cant pay my hospital bills. fuck fuck fuck. whats the point of going to the fucking doctor if it’ll make my life worse CAUSE ITS FUCKING EXPENSIVE AS FUCK. the fucking fuck fuck fucking fucking fuke. i dont want to ask my wealthy relatives for help. its not right. i have to work for it like they did. but i fucking CANT. i neeed help. do i 203 or 402 myself orwhatever i cant fucking remember. they tried to send me toa mental hospital. ugh guh. sometimes i wish i went. i miss my friend who took his own life. is that why..? he told me he was going to take his own life. I DIDN’T DO FUCKING SHIT. NOW HES FUCKING DEAD. my last friend. he’s my last IRL friend.. i havent made irl friends since him. is this self discovery ? i dont know i fucking cant do shit. i dont know if i take my meds or not. i cant tell whats in my head and whats real anymore. i cant remember anything. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. i wanna get up at 4:30 every day and go for a jog, then take an ice bath, eat real healthy, study a whole bunch of things, i wanna keep studyiong quantum computing and physics again. i wanna learn 15 leanguages again. i wanna do everyhting. but i end up doing fucking nothing. i have STACKS of books i plan to read. some fucking day.??!?!?!!?!?!?!?! am i being over stimullated? I know i do better in an empty room. but how the fuck do i get an empty room/.i know. my basement..? that dark room down there i could sleep in../? clear that room out, maybe make it my study room..? no distractions. nice and cool. that could actually work. no electronics in that room allowed..? no distiractions. just me and, whatever,. REMIND ME. that’s a good idea actually. i think im being overstimulated. the internet overstimulates me. i get fucking overwhelmed in grocery stores and i get all dizzy and noises and panic attack UGH i cant do anything anymore. but I think this basement room idea is good, thank you. but do remind me please. and i think like, uhh, boooks, study stuff, YESSS. but, if i wanna study on my PC what do i do? I know i’ll get distracted. IDK. and ugh ugh ugh. lets keep it simple. just no electronics allowed. okay. that could work. thank you. i might sedate myself idk i had alcohol it hink idk. remind me to take vitamins, basement room idea, exercise and see a phsyciatrist, whatever. nobody’ll read this and i’ll forget to re read this. ugh okay find. bye.

~ someoneg