fix?

I believe I have found a fix for my head. But my secret? I won’t tell.

I will return to my oldself. It’s the only way forward? At least at that point I well.. I don’t know. Perhaps my social anxiety is my cure. Getting rid of that might be the issue. I don’t know. Nobody knows!! But it doesn’t matter. Let’s get back to what I was thinking.

Fixed my sleep schedule. All I had to do was walk 15 miles in 100 degrees.

Great. It was well.. I knew it was going to be dangerous. But that’s the thrill?..

I do many dangerous things, but that gives me joy?

Sometimes I like to get into fights.

Nothing like a 2AM summer night. Just sitting outside, all alone, staring up the stars. Makes me relaxed. Something changed, yet I donn’t know. Everything seems… easy? Everything seems to have been fixed. Yet, i’m unaware of what i’ve done, or what even happened.

I have to investigate my anti-depressants causing massive brain fog for 2 years? Damn. Has it been 2 years????” The fuck?!?!? No. Wait, the hell. fuck. Time went by fast. It doesn’t matter bud.

I have to control myself. I believe I have a fix. It’s dangerous but, it’s the only wway. I must cede control. See what happens. See if I can somehow become my old self in a way? See if maybe I can do something that might be mentally torturous. See if I can.. I don’t want to sound like a crazy man. It doesn’t matter. Only those who know, know. But do I even know? Seems like a hoax honestly, being delusional isn’t even really that bad.

Like, it’s not even delusions of grandar like some say. It’s just like.. misunderstanding things, really.

I honestly don’t even remember what all I was gonna do. I just need to like, get back into a routine. ROUTINE. habits. do the same thing every morning. No more of this guess work. i can’t remember everything. i probably need a caretaker or something lmao. Nobody IRL i can talk to about all thse issues :/ but thats okay. i talk to myself yay :))

might do more later, not sure. but i’ve always pre planned every conversation in my head. sometimes i spend hours jusst like, with people talking in my head, like idk how to explain it. Like, pre planning conversations but having like things the people i wanna talk to, like them talking in my head to me, and i’m talking back. sometimes i’ll spend hours just like.. doing that. I guesss “pretend talking” to my friends but inside my head. It gets confusing for me. I don’t do this on purpose, i just get like, really really wired into this, like i’m actually there. where i’ll just be talking to myself for hours at a time, not knowing that i’m not actaully talking to my friends and that it was just in my head.

I can’t control it. I spend hours every night doing this. I can’t control it. Even if I wanted to or not wanted to, I can’t stop. I can’t. I can’t control it, I just get wired and start talking to myself pretending im talking to my friends or something. this might be why like.. maybe i might be getting confused on what i say in my head with what people actually say to me. I tried, i tried to control it.

I know I have to let the dominant side control me. no more of the will ynilly crap. I used to be great.

I am great. I will be improving upon many aspects. A very rigorous schedule.