awakeness

awake /ə-wāk′/ intransitive verb To rouse from sleep; waken.

It’s plausible to a certain extent that I have been “asleep” so to speak for a period of time. This time would be consistent with various trends in behavior. How does one know if he / she is awake? If your eyes are open, right? Everything makes sense now. I have simply been “asleep” for a period of time which I hypothesized. Something changed, something “ticked” in which caused me to go to sleep, As if I drank a bottle from Sootheslayer. It is as if, I have been dormant for a period of time. Yes, this is repetative. In fact, I used to be quite amazing; learning 15+ languages at once, participating in various martial arts, along with 5+ mile long bike rides. It was quite the time to be alive. On top of that, I was running various online projects which I will NOT be getting into at this point in time. Something about that, about myself has changed. I cannot pinpoint this, but I can suspect a few reasons. My mind is an enigma, and I (un)fortunately am the only one who knows how to manage this machine. Only I am able to reason with myself, and to quite truley understand. It’s quite alarming when I behave differently sparatically. The root cause of this- I likely have written down within an assortment of journal logs I have kept over the years. “over the years” is a broad term. Quite frankly, it’s whatever I want it to be. Who is to say otherwise?

I do wonder that by trying to fix my social anxiety I have unleashed something much worse. It’s plausible, although I still have social anxiety. I suspect a traumatic event, yet I have no recollection of this. From the 5+ therapists I have been appointed to, I have yet to reveal anything of interest to the State. It’s in darkness in which we show our light. I am a unique person. That much is true.

Between the years 2019 and 2022 is when something changed. Yet, these were the most “active” times of my life. Most of my possesible memories occur within this time frame. Outside of these years, memories are very limited.

I have to ‘activate’ the part of myself that used to be active. The part which I suspect has fallen “asleep”. It’s quite alarming to me, as my life depends on me “waking up”. The only way forward is to go back.

From my research into Quantum Mechanics , Physics and Computing - what I can say, the brain never failes to dissapoint.

It is quite strange that I have faded memories, on the tip of my tounge, I feel they are there, yet I cannot reach them. Yet, the memories aren’t of me? It’s quite the anomaly. Wondering the proper path forward. It’s so simply. I must reverse my attempt to fix my social anxiety. By trying to “fit into” society, I have created an unstable version of myself. A version in which I cannot sustain. Either this is plausible- or I have some more digging to do. Everything is related to sleep. That much I am certain.

Being alone is the cure I suspect. I must travel into the forest to clear my head. The midnight walks and early rises were my cure. They were my “ice cream”. Before the year 2022, I never listened to music. I never put on music in any capacity. That could be the change. Perhaps i’ve been subconciously manipulated by mainstream music. That is false, I would listen to music, only various parts of nightcore during coding sessions and whatnot.

The solution could be simple. I know what the solution is, yet I don’t want to acklowledge it. The solution is to remove myself from the internet. I will not, funny how a CS major can’t use the internet. Which is quite the dillema. How do I do digital forensics without using a computer, right? Funny. Something that really sucks is that I am really bad at learning things. I do have a learning disability. Makes it extremely difficult. When we are halfway through the year and i’m like still trying to figure out chapter 1. And the fact that I have poor attention and memory does NOT help. I’ve tried to fix these, yet I haven’t been able to. I’ve tried to reach out for help, yet I failed? I reached out to friends, doctors, therapists, I don’t know how much further I can go. Maybe I don’t need to reach out, I might have to reach out to myself. Speak to myself. I used to have full conversations with myself. I used to do this frequently. Perhaps my solution is to talk to me more. To interact with me more. TO have converstations with ME more. To hang out with ME more.